It has come to my attention that a set of slightly inaccurate (and worse — though required by many lyric aggregation sites — unpunctuated) lyrics to “Android Ashley” have been cropping up across the Internet. Because my site analytics tell me that “android ashley lyrics” is by far the most popular Google search that drives traffic here, I thought I’d give the people what they want.
Read on for the full text of the song. (If you’re looking for music as well, click here.)
Android Ashley
Music and Lyrics by Brandon Michael Lowden
“I think you’re cute, my name is Ashley, and I work at the computer store.”
That’s what I never say to Kyle, the barista at the coffeeshop next door.
I watch him sadly from the counter where I always pick the wobbly stool.
He hands me my latte
And smirks in this hot way,
But I just cannot play cool.
The clear and logical solution is to send a robot in my place,
A robot modeled after me, except that she can deal with Kyle face-to-face.
Been working on her forty weeks or so with barely time to sleep or eat.
Her parts are built custom.
All that’s left are just some
Last circuits I must complete.
Android Ashley, I wish I were you.
Instructions tell you what to do.
And if you fail, you can’t feel blue.
Android Ashley, when you’re good to go,
Maybe then, at last, I’ll know
How to fix the bugs in Ashley 1.0.
The final chip arrived today, so I install it in a vacant port.
I solder in the last connections, hit the power switch, and pray there’s not a short.
She whirs to life; her optic sensors turn my way; I wonder what they see.
She holds out a hand to
Accept my command, ooh!
I have made a brand new me.
Android Ashley, I wish I were you.
Instructions tell you what to do.
And if you fail, you can’t feel blue.
Android Ashley, now you’re good to go.
Maybe soon, at last, I’ll know
How to fix the bugs in Ashley 1.0.
She walks up to the counter.
Run program: Talk2Kyle.
Subroutine: order_latte.
Call function: wave_and_smile.
Parse input: “Hey, how are you?”
Play text-to-voice: “I’m fine.”
Parse input: “You seem different.”
And suddenly I see the flaw in my design…
If I wrote this program perfectly,
I won’t need to make corrections.
But if Kyle falls for Robot Me,
He’ll never love my imperfections.
So I abort the program
And quickly call her back.
I start the shutdown process,
But then she turns to me before the screen goes black…
“Human Ashley, I wish I were you.
No one can tell you what to do.
The things you feel are real and true.
Human Ashley, do not envy me.
You know all that life can be.
I wish I knew how it feels to be so free.”
So I see Kyle the barista at the coffeeshop; he looks my way.
“I think you’re cute, my name is Ashley, and I work at the computer store,” I say.
